I hide behind my writing.

Well. This is about to get personal.

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What I could never tell you.

I wasn’t ever going to tell you. I figured that things would just fall into place, because you know, the spirit told me this was right. 

I never thought I would end up in the passenger seat of your car. I always thought I would be in the back seat of Julian’s car. I never thought that something could feel so right so quickly. I never thought that I could feel so content so fast with someone, especially after being so careful. 

I don’t tell my secrets. I don’t talk about my past. I don’t tell these things to just anyone. It’s how I protect myself. If I don’t tell anyone, I don’t get hurt. But then I become trusting, something that’s almost equally as hard for me to do, and I trust someone enough to where I tell them my secrets. I tell them about my past. I do this because I feel like it makes us closer. Like they deserve to know why I am the way that I am. 

I never planned on us ended up like we did. I never planned on running away with you. You didn’t know I was running. Nobody knew I was running away. Nobody even knows why I was running away, but I’m going to tell you now. You know part of the reason already. I was running from myself, because if I didn’t, I would have tried to run back to him. I know you know the him that I’m talking about. When I told her that you were looking from people to ride down with you, I never intended to go with you. I don’t think you thought I would end up there, either. But when she asked me to come along, I knew I needed to pray. What was I thinking? Sending her with someone we didn’t know. Sending her with someone she had never even met. I prayed if this was a good idea, and the answer I got was one I hadn’t even thought of. The answer I got was “This will be the best decision you will ever make." When I asked why, the next answer I knew was going to change my life. "Because you will no longer be worried that you’re not meant for anyone, and you will not be tempted to be his again.

I know I never told you this. You never even knew I had my doubts that I was even meant for someone. You never knew that I was scared that no one could fall in love with a person like me. You know, but you didn’t at the time, that I have a place in my heart for him and that I sometimes feel weak and lonely and try to be his again. 

Do you see now why I stayed away when I saw you with her? Did you even noticed I was staying away? (Do you even know what I’m talking about?) Do you understand why I couldn’t sit in your passenger seat again as we came back home? Do you understand why it’s hard for me to tell you this? Because doing this is telling you that you’re the answer to my prayers, and if I were to lose you, I don’t know what I would do? It’s not even on the same level it was on the day I sat in that seat. It’s on a completely different level. There are boys that I’ve actually been on dates with that don’t even know the existence of him. They have never seen me cry, nonetheless over him. You’re one of my best friends. You’re in the circle I hold nearest to my heart. A circle only 5 others have been able to make their way into. It’s to the point where I don’t care if we “end up together” or not, because I know that you don’t need to be that person to me. Your spirit has made me feel new things. Knowing about your past, and how you’re back and you’re seeing people again makes me know that he wasn’t my only chance, and that someone will make me feel special and beautiful one day. 

Sure, sometimes, because I do have feelings, I do get into my mood, and I know you’ve noticed, and it makes you uncomfortable, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That’s something I’ve been trying to work on, because your friendship is more important to me than anything else that could ever go on between us. 

I try to distance my feelings for you from myself. I guess that’s why, lately, I haven’t been reaching out to talk to you. Because all I need from you is your friendship. But sometimes I want more. 

But I’m not ready from more. Not from you. Not from anyone. Inside, I’m just a little, emotional child who is still really hurt, even after so long. I try to move on and I can’t. I don’t want anyone else to know how hurt I actually am sometimes. How I don’t feel like I’m special, and how I can never feel like I’m pretty. 

Since you’re the only person who can read this, you’re the only person who knows that. That’s one of my biggest secrets. It’s what makes me hurt the most. It hurts so badly that somedays I can’t even get out of bed unless I truly have to. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to sit through a class or a work shift, and feel completely worthless and just terrible. I honestly completely lack self confidence when it comes to how I look. 

But enough of that. Time to get back on track, because this is about you: You deserve the world, and I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through in general. 

But I know why you’re in my life. You’ve been through a lot, and I know that you can help me. You say you have angels in your life. Well, I feel like you’re one of mine, James. I’m sorry about being awkward, annoying, difficult… I understand you need your space, and you don’t always want to hang out with me and the girls. But just know that we love you. Especially me. And I’m always going to be here for you.

And I’m sorry for telling Isabella last night. I shouldn’t let my emotions get the best of me, especially when other people have things that they don’t want other people telling. 

I’m sorry for everything.